What I Want to Tell You... From a Birthmom

I don't remember writing this. It has been in my drafts for the 5 years I haven't revisited my blog. But I logged in today and read it, and I think it is important to post.



For the pregnant woman considering adoption.



What I want to tell you, dear girl, is that you are brave.

Allowing that baby to grow in your womb... that choice was brave.
Rejecting the people that told you to just "take care of the problem"... that was brave.
Crying so many tears in the dark, then drying them and stepping into the light... that was so brave.

And even just the thought, even just considering adoption in the first place... is brave.

You are brave.

You might not feel strong. You might not feel confident. You might not feel successful or smart or able. But you are brave.

What I want to tell you is that I know you are scared.
Being pregnant is scary, no matter what your circumstance.
But carrying, growing, falling in love with a baby that you think does not belong in your home... that is the scariest of all.

What I want to tell you is that you are doing the right thing.
You are thinking. You are deciding. You are trying to figure out the best possible scenario for the life of you and your child. And that is all a loving parent can do.
We don't know what will happen in one year, or five years, or twenty years.
We can only do what we think is the right thing right now... and pray that it all works out in the end.

What I want to tell you is that you are not alone.
I am here. Even if I don't know you, I love you. Because I've been there.
And I think you are the bravest. Because, regardless of whether you end up placing your child for adoption or not, you are willing. You are willing to give your child to someone else so he has a better chance. You are willing to let her go, because you want her to have a good life, a life you do not believe you can give her.
You are willing to do the hardest thing. 
And you are not alone.

What I want to tell you... and this is the hardest thing... is that it is okay to change your mind.
This is the hardest thing, because I do not want anyone to get hurt. And if you change your mind, someone will get hurt. A couple will get hurt. Their family will get hurt. And you will be the one that hurt them.
A couple is hoping for that child, praying for that child, waiting for that child.
You let them believe, because you honestly believed that adoption was the best thing for your child.
You let them believe, because YOU believed that you were going to give them your child.
But that is your child, until you decide to place him in another's care.
And, when that time comes, if you cannot let your baby go... it is okay to change your mind.
It will hurt. Bad.
It will be hard for everyone it touches.
But if you know, when you hold your child, that you cannot let him go, it is okay to change your mind.

What I want to tell you is to please be certain before you decide.
Be certain that you have chosen adoption.
Be certain that you will NOT change your mind.
Be certain.
Lead with your head, and follow with your heart.
Then, lead with your heart, and follow with your head.
And then, if both of those align, you will be certain.
When you are certain, decide.
(But know, that even the most certain decisions can change. Which is why I have to tell you what I already have told you... and that is that it is okay to change your mind. That is the least desirable scenario, but I support your right to choose what is best for your child, for as long as that child is yours.)

What I want to tell you is to take your time.
You do not have to decide today.
You do not have to decide when you are in labor.
You do not have to decide even 48 hours after the baby is born, and the lawyer is pressuring you to sign the papers, and your child's adoptive parents are looking at you, with such hope and anticipation in their eyes.
You do not have to decide until you are ready to decide.
Pray. Hard. And be certain before you decide.

What I want to tell you is that life goes on.
Whether you keep the child, or place the child, or have a loved one care for the child until you can care for him... life goes on.
And you, and your child, and your children to come, will have the opportunity for happiness.
You, your child, your children to come, will have the opportunity for success.
For family.
For life.
For joy.

What I want to tell you, is that no matter what you decide, you can be happy if you choose it.



And, what I want to tell you, dear girl, is that you are beautiful.
And your child, whether he carries your last name or not, is beautiful.
And, no matter what anyone thinks or says... no matter if your child loves or curses your name... no matter if people understand or don't,
I think you are beautiful.

And you are in my prayers.





**Author's Note:

I wrote this after being a friend to some other women who were facing, or have faced adoption. I've never met these women, but I am so proud to have been given the opportunity to speak with them.
One chose, after giving birth to her child, to keep him. Another chose adoption and is really, really struggling with that decision and missing her son terribly. Another is still pregnant and has chosen adoption, but I sense a slight hesitation in our conversations and don't want her to make the wrong choice.

Adoption is beautiful, but it is scary, and it is final. It should be encouraged, but those considering should also be educated. It is the right choice for many women. But it the wrong choice for others.

I think that birthmothers, and even potential birthmothers, should speak up more. I think that it is so, so important to support an expectant mother considering adoption, whether she believes that her child will live better in another home and places her child, or whether she, at the very last second, decides not to sign the adoption papers and keeps the child.

I don't think society realizes how brave a birthmother has to be, and I don't think adoption is discussed near like it should be. There are circumstances where the mother is a drug addict, or incarcerated, and adoption is mandated. This breaks my heart. There are circumstances where the mother is forced to place her child (which can be the best thing, or can be absolutely horrible), and this breaks my heart. SO MANY adoptions occurring now are women who are smart, educated, some are mothers, others are in college... and these women are heroes to their children. They have chosen LIFE for their child, despite all odds. They have chosen LIFE in a society that would rather see them abort. And that takes courage.

These women need a voice, need support, and need love.