A Weight Loss Flop

Arg! For those who saw my blogs about weight loss and getting healthy and starting NOW a while back... PSYCHE!

I'm in a funk. A fat one! As much as I'd like to convince myself I'm just zaftig, which can actually be quite flattering, there's really no way around it. I don't look good at this weight. Period. (My chins would totally agree.)

My emotions have been up and down with the move and some troubles, and my little's recent break... and with emotion comes eating with this girl.

I don't know WHY I can't control it, but some days I look back and realize that I snacked all. day. long. And not on carrots and celery, either. It's gross, really.

I don't know what to do to get out of it.

If I lived near a gym with child care, that would be my answer. When I'm exercising, I feel great, and I eat well and clean. But there is nothing like that around here. Nothing.

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It seems silly to think that that is what is holding me back, but the group push and accountability are vital to my health journey. It is the only thing that has ever worked for me.

I have been trying to exercise at home. Nope. Doesn't work. Some would say it's because I really don't care about losing weight or getting in shape. Some will say it's because I have made my list of priorities, and health is not anywhere near the top. Some will say it's because I am being a cry baby or making excuses or just lack drive.

But the truth is, it is none of those things.



Do I know that if I were to do little things throughout the day, they would add up? Yes.
Do I know HOW to eat, and WHAT to eat, and what NOT to eat? Yes.
Do I know how to target muscle groups and other target areas? Yes. (I've actually taken couses on weight training and nutrition management, and read many books and articles.)
Do I know that I could "just" start by taking a little walk each day? Yep. 

And honestly, I don't really need any more advice. I already know the tools I need. I'm just in a funk. In a bad way. My husband leaves for work at about 6 a.m. And he gets home about 7 or 8 p.m. So most would tell me just to put the kids in a stroller and go for a walk during the day. And those people have either never been in an emotional funk, or they have never had two toddlers at once and tried to exercise in ANY shape, form, or fashion with those said toddlers, and most certainly haven't had both.

I'm so sure! This is the dumbest motivation I've ever seen. Stupid.

I'm at the point where I am so incredibly unhappy with my weight and reflection, that I don't even know what to do or where to start. I wish I had a partner here, someone with similar struggles and goals... but that person is yet to be revealed.

Alas, for now, I'm just going to try every minute not to pick up that Millionairre or handful of Peanut Butter M & Ms. I don't mind having those things in the house... I mean, I have kids who would like a sweet treat on occasion. But it's the control that's lacking. Control. (See my previous weight loss post about control and eating if curious.)

And I'm going to try to find a decent Curves or Weight Watchers, though the choices make for some slim pickins. (Get it? Slim? Like that pun? Har, har, har.)

Because, like some addicts need AA or NA to stay on track (though I have mixed feeling about those groups), I need something, too. A group. Of women. Who struggle with their weight like I struggle with mine. Who aren't all "you can never eat a piece of cake and you have to run marathons and lift a thousand weights a day to get in shape."

I need a group that will pull me up from those struggles and hold me accountable and keep me going. Because, being the emotional eater that I am, my next few months of approaching holiday season DO NOT look good. (Nor does my expanding waist and hip line in my ever-growing-tighter pants... yeouch.) 

Tears of disappointment in myself today.
Let the new journey to figuring out what the crap I can do about this begins now.

(Be clear this is not a fishing for compliments, and I don't need a "you're not fat." I know there are bigger, I know I'm not incredibly overweight. But I AM overweight, by a lot, and I FEEL gross and unhealthy. I am too big for my liking, and too big for my body, and my knees and back and feet tell me so. :) Just for clarity.)

Peace!
Jessica

And, these two fat giraffes, because fat animal humor is funny to me right now.

Tee hee hee

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