Dear Husband, Please Help Me Remember...

I am not a superhero.
I do not have super powers, and I shouldn't expect that I do.
I am human.
I have been given the great honor of being able to conceive and carry healthy children to term, and the gratitude I feel for that blessing is indescribable.
But I am not a superhero.
To my dear husband, please help me remember that.

Our fourth baby is three days old today. And life sets in.

I am madly, madly in love - more than I even thought I could be - with this baby, who came at time we did not expect, and who somehow just grew my heart and our home... this baby who only just became part of our family in the flesh, but who none of us could now imagine our life without.

But today is day three.
That dreaded day three.
And I need some help.

You see, I don't remember.
I don't remember how I felt after giving birth to our first few children.
I don't remember if my back hurt or how long it took me to recover.

I only know that today I looked at my sleeping baby, in awe and madly in love... and then looked at my unmade bed, and the dishes in the sink, and the belly that still looks pregnant, and wondered how I've let myself go.

I've done this child bearing thing three times already. I've birthed and brought home three babies in the last ten years. I should have this thing down, right? I should be able to bring home the baby, take a shower, cook dinner, wash the dishes, clean up the house, straighten the rooms, put on makeup, finish the laundry, nurse the baby, help with homework...

I should be able to do those things by now. This is the fourth baby. Baby number three, now, that one was hard. But four? Should be a breeze. Should be able to heal up quick (especially after that ridiiiculously perfect labor and delivery - like, book perfect. I'm still basking in "I am not worthy, Lord" over that delivery. Story another time...), put on some music, and put a skip in my step as I go about the life that we had just a few days ago, in the body I had nine months ago...

I did lots of those things these last three days. I put up laundry, unpacked a little, washed some dishes. Then, day three hit, and it's all over.

I am not a superhero, and I need you, my dear husband, over the next couple weeks especially, to please be kind and to help me remember.

Dear Husband, Please help me remember, 

I am not 21. 
My body is not going to bounce back like I am 21.
My back will take more time to heal after a pregnancy that strained it.
My abs have been stretched a number of times, and it is going to take some time - months, even, for my muscles to heal. Even then, they will not go back to normal. It will take time. Then, more time and exercise, for my stomach to do something I like.
You think I'm sexy, anyway. 

I am not dying.
My insides hurt because they're a jumbled mess. I'm having shortness of breath because my lungs are rearranging themselves after a baby pushed against them for the last couple months. My stomach is in knots because it is literally in knots. My entire organ structure, three days ago, was scrunched toward by back and around a tiny little person in a sack of water... and it will take a little time for that jumbled mess to return to normal. And it will probably feel like my insides are jumbled for a while. Because they are.
You'll be patient as I whine, and, if something really is wrong, you will make me talk to the doctor. (But please remind me... I feel so weird because my insides are weird, but they won't be weird forever.) 

I am not measured by my house. 
I have a three day old baby. I should hold him, and kiss him, and lay with him. And the dishes in the sink mean nothing. The laundry in the dryer can wait. The beds don't HAVE to be made every day. No one is looking at my house when they come to see the baby. They're here to see the baby. If they have a hard time looking at a floor that needs mopping and dishes that need washing, they will mop the floor and wash the dishes.
You will help me if and when you can, but in the meantime, you don't want me to worry. Because the house is trivial as this new baby joins our home. 

I MUST lay down.
That whole "organs rearranging" thing is real, and if I'm walking, bending, standing, or even sitting all day, they will have a much harder time returning to their homes. Plus, sleep is kind of important. As the little guy is learning that we generally sleep at nighttime, it is important that I get naps in during the day with him. Nobody will be happy if I can't wake up to feed this baby at night, because I'm too exhausted from days of no sleep.
You like that I have organs that work, and a baby that is alive and fed, and you'd like for me to keep them that way. 

It is okay to say yes. And no. 
Yes, company is welcome. No, please stay away. Yes, I can do that. No, we can't go there.
These days it is totally up to me who I want to see, and when. And there is nothing rude or inhospitable about it. It is up to my better judgment what I can do, where we can go, and what we're capable of at this point. I am accountable only to myself, you, and our children. Because we just just added a family member.
You've got my back, no matter who is offended, or what we have to miss. 

It's okay that I forgot things.
How bad breastfeeding hurts at first. How much back pain comes with pushing a baby out down there. How adrenaline wears off and days three and four can be really, really hard. How terrifying it is to go to the bathroom that first time after leaving the hospital. How bad the cramps are those first few days. How sweet a newborn's cry is, until it's four a.m. and I still haven't slept. How amazing every little wrinkle and fingernail and coo is. How much the heart expands to love a new baby, and how I will want to spend hours on end holding and loving and staring at this precious little creature.
You forgot things, too. 

Carbs are okay. But be easy. 
Yes, I can enjoy. Don't be surprised when I eat all those Ghiradelli squares you bought me in the hospital, and all the chips in the goody bag, and those cookies that the neighbor brought. But I'm not 21, and this is not a free-for-all. Nursing makes me carb-crazy, but being overweight and feeling yucky from sugar highs makes me crazier. You love me enough to endure the wrath you will receive when you ask if I ate ALL the dark chocolate. Receive it gracefully, and allow me a couple weeks of free time to eat and binge on whatever. Then start hiding and throwing away all the things.
You'll kindly pick up the Three Musketeers candy wrapper and throw it in the trash for me. But you'll also pry said Three Musketeers from my hand when I've fallen asleep into a card-induced coma, put it in the trash, and hide the rest of the candy and cookies. 

You love me. 
Tell me more than usual. Kiss my forehead. Lead me to bed with the baby, and tell me to rest and that you've got the other kids under control.
Run a hot shower for me, and hold the baby even if he screams the whole time I'm in there.
Rub my shoulders, and my belly if I'll let you (because, really, it feels a little like I'm dying, and effleurage is good).
Tell me I look great, and rub lotion on my aching back.
Use kind and gentle words, and remember to tell me you love me.
Because you are my partner in this life, and because you do. 

Just remind me of these things. Because I shouldn't think I should have it all together. I shouldn't be worried about getting back to life as we know it, right away. Remind me that all change takes time and adjustment, and this is NOT life as we knew it!

This is life as six, instead of five. Life of three boys and three girls. Life in a family with four children, not three. And, no matter how bad I ache, or how long it takes to get back into my jeans, or how many loads of laundry pile up, this life is beautiful.

Dear Husband, Please remind me that we're blessed. 
Every single day.
Because we are. We really, really are.

<3

And Time Flies!

Five months has flown since my last post.
Five months. 
And what a five months it has been! 

• June: 
• My and Jeff's TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY! (June 5)
• A move away from Farwell (which was ultra bittersweet, and still is - and which took place directly around our TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY. So, that was a bum celebration. You can understand if you've ever moved that it is less than an anniversary date...)
• June: A move into our friends', the Burch Family, house, into a bedroom, for almost two months (it was smooth and we had a good time. They're incredible hosts, and we were beyond blessed that they were willing to give us a room for our big family in our transition!)
• July: 
• A super fun birthday party for Annie, who turned TEN YEARS OLD on August 1! (Party was a pool party at Ransom Canyon. She and Mary shared the celebration and there was a great turn out! So many friends were there!)
• August: 
• Our little girl turned TEN! She continues to delight and surprise and challenge us. She is the most incredible big sister, always willing to lend a hand, a MASTER at redirection with her siblings, and going to be my right-hand-girl when this baby is born!
• A move OUT of the Burch home and storage facility and IN to our new little adobe abode
• A move OUT of our little adobe abode, for a couple days while carpet was replaced in the house, and then back IN to our adobe abode
• School started back! With a new principal, and a new Pre-K teacher and Aide (Mrs. Karly Warsing and Yours Truly), Aidan and Adeline started their "go" at St. Joseph School, and Annie entered FIFTH GRADE back with her old friends and classmates.
• Jeff started school at Texas Tech! He entered the Mechanical Engineering program, and I could dote all day on what an incredible man he is. He has a full house (about to get fuller!), a full time job, a full school load, and still mows my parents lawn, and helps people move, and plays with his kids, and takes us to Mass on Sunday mornings, and does homework until midnight just to get up for work at 5 a.m. the next day. I am in awe of him, and I'd better stop now, before my gushing turns this supposed-to-be-a-glimpse post into a novel of sorts...
• September: 
• Settling in, I was teacher's aide for full and half-days throughout the month, but nothing much to report here. Time just... flies. 
• October: 
• Here we are! I've played guitar and led music at School Mass the last three Fridays, while my parents have been out of town (from Deacon Formation to New Jersey "Jersey Boys" trip, to Michigan!). 
• Started a Women of Virtue study, where we will meet weekly to discuss the Ten Virtues of Mary. Started last night with Lively Faith, and I'm encouraged to try to mold each virtue more into myself, into my core! 
• And, perhaps more important than anything else... KELLY BABY NUMBER FOUR IS ALMOST HERE! I'm DUE in FOUR days. If I don't have him naturally, the doctor has set next Wednesday as his date for induction. Basically, if Baby Boy doesn't make a natural appearance, he will share a birthday with his daddy, and his uncle (daddy's twin), and his Aunt Melanie, and his Godsister, Georgia Kate... I think I'm even missing someone. Going to be a BIG DAY for a birthday! 

And, time flies. Five months here and gone. Lots of joy and tears and frustrations and peace, a powerful confession, a garage sale, loads of laundry... and the world spins madly on! 

I'm on a self-inflicted Facebook hiatus, which is probably what spurred this re-entry into my blog... which has been intended for quite some time! 

And now, my mind is racing with the few things I have left to do to prepare to meet this little guy (who has yet to be named - Arthur? Clark? August? Finn? Who knows!). So, I end abruptly and get on with this day! <3

J